What ifs

My husband might get a job today... or he might not. He might find out he got a job today... or he might find out later this week... or next week or the week after... or he might not. He might get a job with another company... or he might not. We might move at christmas into a rental house... or we might not. We might move to the south side of Houston, or the east side... or not. We might enroll Ayden in a hip Hop class.. or we might not. We might celebrate Lucas's Birthday by going to Nasa...or we might not. Nothing is for sure in our lives. How grateful I am that My Lord is "I AM" He is. He was. He will be. I rest in that.

happenings

I have a new nephew and he is beautiful, and healthy. A 9.1 lbs of halthy beautiful baby boy. George Asher Barna is not yet 24 hours old and his aunt meme is sooooo sad she can't go meet him. I've been working on his Christmas stocking while I whine about not getting to smell his sweet little head or snuggle his tiny little nose. California is simply too far away.

Last night we were in the living room pining over pictures of the new little angel and my own little devil came into the room with suspiciously balckened eyes. hmm. My first thought and fear was ink. After closer inspection I realized tht no, not ink, but mascara. My two month old had applied mascara to both of his eyes, actually managing to get a good coat on one set of dainty lashes. I'm in trouble. big trouble.

because it isnt all about me...

I blog. I facebook. I write about what I eat, where I go, everything I do. I watched my wedding video the other day with my husband and on it my brother in law toasted us, or roasted me, and tease me somewhat mercilessly about my scrapbooking the tiniest details of my life. Its so true though. I think you should think its important what I saw in the street this morning or what my child said after he hit his brother or what ingredients went into my dinner. But I know it isnt. Over the past few months I felt overwhelmingly selfish. I was so excited to find a church to really plug into, to grow deeper with. (Grace has an amazing community and if you are seeking a church family here in Shreveport Bossier its so worth the drive from any part of town!) I was seriously disapointed when Lucas lost his job and suddenly the conversations returned to being all about me.. or my family. I'm tired of talking about me. So lets talk about someone else:-). Or lots of someone elses.
Lets start with all the babies born in my circle of family friends and aquaintances this week! Happy birthdays to the families of Adam, a cousin, Hudson, a friend, Gracie, a niece of a friend that we've been praying for, Harper, an aquaintance and someone who has a blog I follow because they live a fun and exciting life for Jesus.. and sometimes I need to be reminded that Jesus IS fun AND exciting (even when MY life isnt). And there are those who are expecting.... Theres my own sister Lizzie due anytime, my friend Maggie, my friend Sherri, Ayden's Aunt Kristin, and my sweet friend Becky who is the furthest away from her baby at the moment as she is in the starting stages of an adoption.
I have been reading on all these facebook pages about moms who got through labor.. lots of it.. with no pain meds. And while I am so impressed and proud of them, I think what Becky is about to go through is even more admirable. I've been preggo. Twice. It stunk. I loved the closeness of my baby, but the reality is 9 months of puking, pain and discomfort are not fun. Joyfull yes, but not fun. and then you have to give birth. not. fun. But neither is a year to two years of paperwork, sleepless nights and expectation of a baby being born accross the world. Born into a world of poverty and disease and pain. A baby who will wait while you wait for people. People who have to sign paper and pass paper and make more paper. Paper that can allow or prevent you from bringing home your child. A child you were born to love. I pray for Becky's baby. Its surreal knowing that her baby is quite probably allready conceived. Allready with a beating heart, growing every day. You are going to see lots about Becky and her jouney on here because I think its important to share. There are SO MANY babies and children around the world, and here in the US that will never know a mothers love. And most of us do nothing. My sister went through this journey to bring home my niece and learned so much. Most of all I learned how hard this is for the adoptive family and especially the mommy to be. So while I celebrate the birth of all these beautiful babies and the triumph that is the end of a pregnancy, I pray for my friend. I pray for her baby. HEREis why she is starting this journey. For as long as I have known Becky I have known that someday she would adopt. She would do for a child.. or more.. what Christ has done for His people. We are lost and broken, born into a world of spiritual poverty. There is nothing we can do to fix it. There is no health care plan we will all agree on. No president who will make us all get along. There is a rescuer. There is someone who reaches into this world where we murder infants and steal from our children. A world where women are sold to satify the lusts of men across the globe and buisness men steal from the pockets of the poor. A world where young boys are raised to hate. and to hate with bombs. A world where we cant even wait patiently at a stop light anymore. We are grafted into the branches of His vine. We are brought into His fountain of life. We are rescued. For His glory. I find so much peace in knowing that it doesnt matter what I write or what I tell you or if you care Because really, it never was all about me.

Life, in boxes

We now have 75 percent of our stuff in boxes, including most of the kitchen. Needless to say meals are quite creative. Tonight dinner was so creative as to involve driving to TaMollys for some 5 dollar taco plates.

Lucas had his big big big phone interview today. The job would move us to Denver (Centennial area). He would get to be an engineer! There are tons of other pluses, but I'll leave it at that for now.

The boys are both getting really stressed. They're having breakdowns and getting frustrated with the whole changing life thing. I understand. I keep reminding Ayden that God is the same God who made the universe. The same God that paints every flower. He will get us "home" wherever that might be. Until then, we have one another. And boxes. lots and lots of boxes.

Conflicted.

School. Not an easy discussion around here. Between me, my husband, my parents, my mother in law, my sister, my friends, my church I get so much input. The question is what do I do with my output? We Homeschooled Ayden from January of last year until the end of school. We tried public school for an entire semester. I hated it. Ayden hated it. His teacher didn't care. Ayden was labeled a "problem". The principal refused to help. Ayden wasn't learning anything except that he was "bad" or a "fool" as his teacher liked to tell him. So we decided to homeschool. I used to be 100 percent anti homeschool. There was no way around it, I thought kids who are homeschooled turn out wierd and stupid. Nope. I've met some amazing people lately who are kind and generous and normal (whatever that means.) I'll tell them I homeschool and they tell me "oh yeah, I was homeschooled my entire life" really? I don't know why I'm surprised. But I was. Thats honest. This was not Ayden's first time to try public school either. He entered a pre-k public program and it was three months before the teacher stopped calling me in every day after class to talk about Ayden's behavior. I know maturity has a ton to do with how well public school kids do. Personality and nature as well. I know some kids do awesome in public school and thrive and have a great experience. So why am I so hesitant to put Ayden ito school this year? Why does the idea of packing up his school supplies make my stomach turn? Is it because I'm afraid he isn't mature enough yet? maybe... or maybe its something more. We LOVE homeschooling. not every day of course, but in general it has been amazing to watch him learn and grow. To know what he is learning, and know what he is accomplishing. So why am I not convinced?? Why is not such an easy question to answer. I have lesson plans written, curriculum purchased, pencils sharpened. I'm ready. We started this morning and it was great. He did 25 minutes of phonics on a computer driven program that gives me great feedback. We reviewed the dolch sightword list (which he seems to have forgotten most of in the past month.) We took a spelling pre-test which he aced. We read two chapters from Stuart Little and learned about title pages and words such as "perspiration", "emerged" and "louse". We read scripture and talked about how God wants us to follow the ways of the wise and not the wicked, and that He wants us to love our neighbors, and yes that includes the snotty girls a building over. We made bookmarks and a title page for our portfolio. We read Danny and the Dinosaur and Biscuit Goes to School. And he was happy. There were no tears. There was no complaining. We even rode his bike around the block and visited some friends too. When little brother wakes us we are going to the library to get books on archeaology and the red river. We love homeschooling.

So the problem is this: we have no clue what God is doing with out life. There are two potentioal jobs at the moment, both of which stand as equal a chance of falling through as coming to fruition. A. We end up in North Dakota in a job that will most certainly require me to return to work. (in a town with less than 16,000 people and limited work ability)or B. We end up in Colorado somewhere, most likely Grand Junction in a job where I could certainly stay home or work part time. Neither of these jobs seems to be happening very quickly. Both would start after the beginning of school in Conroe. Conroe starts on August 25th.

As of this week. I'm homeschooling. I have my husbands support on this. I guess if by the time School starts we havent heard anything about either of these jobs or if we know these jobs won't happen I'll be forced to enroll him in school. I'll have to get a job while we wait for Luas to get a job.

I know God has a plan here. I pray for all grownups in Ayden's life to be on the same ground and have the same goals for him. I pray that we will all know accept and understand what I as Mom am supposed to do. I pray for discernment. Quickly. I pray for motivation in whatever direction we are supposed to go. Lord, answer us soon..


I would love to get feedback on this. Any ideas or impressions you would like to share are welcome. I know people read this blog... i have a sitemeter:-). I don't know who you are, but I know there are people from all over the country who check in and lurk here. Give me your thoughts. ..

Life, illustrated

We were on our way out of our neighborhood this afternoon and drove by the *new* Taco Bell being built less than a mile from our apartment. While visions of gorditas and seven layer burritos do make my mouth water and tummy growl, what caught my attention today was not the now in place tables and functional counters, but the poor fire hydrant out front. You see, we've gotten a ton of rain this past week here in the swamplands of Cajun Country. Rain that we asked for. Rain that is moving things. Rain that will ultimately be for our benefit. The rains take no notice of the piles of sand around new fast food joints, nor does the rain care if on its way to the great ocean it has to bury a couple of lonely fire hydrants.
I recently asked God for rain, in the spiritual sence. About four months ago I had reached a point of frustration with myself and my walk, and so I fasted bread, yeast, sugar and the like for about two weeks. I spent lots of time in the word. Lots of time in prayer. I prayed for God to.. get this.. move me. I prayed that he would rain into my life newness. I read how he moved the Isrealites from slavery to freedom but had to take them through a desert first. Then, when I was not prepared, even though I asked for it, he answered. Lucas got laid off. We are moving.
Today I feel an awful lot like that fire hydrant. It was minding its buisness, serving its purpose as guard against fire for a very vacant open field until the power that controls its existance decided to move. Plans were written, construction began, and then the rain fell. Now that little yellow fire hydrant is buried, prevented from use by the very act of being moved in itself. After a while work will be done, landscapes will be placed and the hydrant will be free again, ready to serve an even greater purpose. Where before it served only an empty lot, it will now stand guard over a restraunt, full of people and really yummy food.
Right now I feel buried. Buried in boxes and moving plans and fear and anxiety. Buried by the stress of making decisions for my children and my home. Buried by questions and research and dust from old stuff I've pulled out of corners. I havent been able to focus on others or reach out to my many pregnant friends. I've missed baby showers and bible studies. I havent been able to put my all into the study I have meeting here, which is ending next week... because I'm buried. But the reality is, I'm buried in my answered prayer. I asked God to move and he did.
The past two months my husband and I and my children have all been seeking His face. Our faith has been stretched, but not tested, no not tested but bulked up. Reinforced. Encouraged. By the acts of love we have been given by our church we are seeing that we matter to our King. We are fed and safe and have hope and possible jobs and healthy vibrant children. We know without a doubt, that He is working. The plans have been made, construction has begun. And when it is time he will lay the landscape. He will dig us out and we will be free. Free to serve a greater purpose. Free to serve our Lord where we have been moved.

quick updates

We ARE moving unless God provides a last minute miracle. Mom has our rooms ready and we've given notice to the apartment. Moving day is August 15th. Our belongings that are not necessary to life will be moving into a local storage unit until we know where we will be living after. After what? I dont know.

My "office" is now a storage room full of boxes and my computer is in my bedroom. I will either never be on it or be on it all the time. Will let you know.

Boys got matching adorable haircuts today. Both got spikey hair.

Balin seems to have a new hydrocele. going to the doctor on wednesday. Please pray that surgery wont be necessary. (I have a feeling it will be.)

Ayden will start Wilkin$on Elementary on August 25th. I'm very bummed that I wont be able to homeschool, but know that maybe someday down the line I'll be able to homeschool Balin and other children I may have. In the meantime Mama will be looking for a job.

Got to go see Harry Potter at the midnight opening with my husband thanks to a new friend who came over to babysit. She rocks and Potter was fun. So was being the oldest people in the theatre. We got seats together only because (aparently) young high school students obey almost any motherly type of person who tells them to scoot down a seat.

We still love our Church. I breath it in. Can I bottle you? Maybe I'll steal some paint chips from the basement to hang onto. I'm praying for this family, that you will continue to grow and nurture one another in this amazing life changing way. Thanks for being real.

At Harry potter. Barely got a seet! I'm too old for this .

Came to free movie. Still. Hasn't started. At least there is air conditioning and my kids are still happy

I got an I Phone and this is what I made

My little brother sent me his old I phone when he got a new one, so I've been playing. I like this function....

Life, Abundantly

The past month has been difficult to say the least. On June 1st Lucas called me around 10:30 am. I was putting a load of purchases from Target into the trunk of my car. "You need to come home right now" was all he said. Then my phone beeped and I saw a text message from my dad. My stomach dropped and I immediately wondered if something bad, really bad, had happened at home. The last time one of us got the "Come home now" call it was me calling Lucas to tell him Jim had passed away. I drove home fast. Too fast. I scared myself at one point. The entire I was praying "let everyone be alive. let this be a lay off or something. let everyone be alive." Then as I was turning into our neighborhood the car started to overheat. Luckily.. well none of this is luck really... I got home. With Jello legs I got the boys inside. Lucas was standing at the end of the hall with a shell shocked expression. "I just got laid off." We cried. Me out of relief that it wasnt something worse.. wasn't something irreversible.
We were given a two week severance and our insurance was immediately dropped. We are thankful that just the Friday before I had taken the boys in for check ups. Balin got his shots and Ayden the all clear for another year. We have been amazed at how God has provided for us despite the sorrow and fear. He truly does take care of all the details. If you can't see it in your life, see it in mine. That overheating car led to a 100 repair, which then led to the destruction of the alternator. About two weeks later I was driving to a baby sitting job for a friend of a friend. We chatted when we set the time up and she shared that she is going through a divorce and looked into my apartments but for some reason could not get into them. On my way to her house the car died. In the middle lane of a busy intersection. It had enough momentum to steer it into an empty parking lot of a gymnastics building. (1st miracle). A sweet friend whose husband is serving in Iraq lent us her truck so Lucas could come get me. (1st blessing) and then my parents drove up the next day to help replace the alternator (another blessing). We ended up paying about 200 for the repairs. That week a new friend of ours gave us 150 wal mart card which lasted for almost two weeks worth of groceries and gas! (blessing.. losing count) THEN I get a call from my friend who recomended me a a sitter. She wanted the name of the pizza place that is across the street from me. "By the way" she says "my friend is moving into your apartment complex.. she's on her way right now to sign the lease." I asked her to ask her friend to put us down as a referal. After a quick text message (God is a techie too) her friend listed up on her application and we get the referal bonus. Which by the way happens to be 200$. (Miracle number what?!?) God is providing for us in unbleievable ways, covering our purchases and choices and making everything work out to His will.
We met the Grace church family back in March. This is the first time we have experience as a family a God breathing, living, acting, fellowshiping, loving, learning church. They . Get. IT. we can not imagine that God would give us a taste of this type of community and then make us move, but His ways are not Our ways. Our prayer is that we can continue to grow with our Grace friends until He asks us to go somewhere. Specific.
Thursday Lucas had an interview. I wont share too much about it except that it a job exactly in tune with Lucas's experience. I think because my husband is not a great communicator that some people in our lives have the impression that he isn't happy in this industry, but the truth is... he loved his job. He was good at it. He was proud of himself and I saw a new husband over the last year as he grew to see in himself what God was doing. He is smart. He is hardworking. He is loyal. I am so proud of him for working so very hard for us. This job would be a major step down in pay. BUT it might buy us some time as we wait for the industry to recover. WHEN that happens, Shreveport Bossier will come back to life. The Haynesville Shale will once again be the exciting place to work and hopefully, God willing, we will be here to work it!

So for now.. we dont know much more than this: God is Good. He will provide. Our life in Christ is whole and wonderful. We have great friends, a great church and great families.
How can you help? Well obviously money is tough right now. We need encouragement as we try to balance out what was a bit of too much spending in our lives with a now very limited spending.
We need guidance and prayer as to these questions...
should we stay here with a lower paying job and fake it for a while?
do we move to Houston to live with Emily's parents while we figure this out?
What do we do with Ayden's schooling?
How and when do I return to work and in what way?
What will do about transportation since we share a car.

Walgreens sign reads 107!

Going home

Ayden has been handed over off to see the parents and a possible rare mother daughter mouie outing

On our way almost to lufkin

listed us as a reference so we get 200 off next month rent!

Now that Lucas is on the computer so much i will try to update via cell phone. had big blessing today. an aqaintance sighned a lease at our apartment and

the wait is over....

hmmm

Just wanted to share with everyone that Lucas got laid off this morning. Keep your eyes open and ears perked for any jobs near you!

wednesday morning miracle!

I went to put Balin down for a nap this morning and LION was waiting on his pillow. Who knows where he was hiding, or how he came back.. but I am one happy Mama! (with a happy sleeping todller!)